How Do I Help My Grieving Friend?
When everyone in your life knows that you are a grief therapist, you get a lot of phone calls whenever someone dies. I get a lot of “what should I say?” “should I even bring it up?” or “what about their kid?” And I really love getting these questions because it means that the person calling me is trying to do everything they can to take care of their loved ones. That’s the kind of energy we all need, that when something terrible happens your people rush in to help.
I can’t give a script; I wish that it was that easy. But I can tell you what my grief has taught me, and what I hear over and over again from the people I work with. If you know the person you are supporting and mostly just stay present with them, you won’t mess it up.
Listen
Groundbreaking, I know. But really, there isn’t a lot of talking to be done after someone dies, especially in the hours, days, or even weeks after it happens. So many people feel that sense of “I don’t even know what to say” and that’s for a good reason. There really isn’t much you could say. How could any of us find the perfect words to comfort someone who just experienced their worst nightmare? So don’t stress about it. Instead of trying to say the right thing, be a good listener. Sit with them in silence, hold them, be the person they can cry in front of. Don’t feel the need to fill the silence, don’t feel like you have to make it better. Just be there.
When I was in my master’s degree I was taking a traumatic grief class from Joanne Cacciatore, founder of the MISS Foundation and the Selah Care Farm, and she was talking about this concept. She mentioned a study that she did where she asked bereaved people who they found to be most supportive for them after their loved one died. There were categories like clergy, family, friends, co-workers, etc. But the category that overwhelmingly was reported to be the most comforting and supportive, was animals. Her work found that overwhelmingly, people preferred time with their animals when they were grieving. Part of the reason for that? The animals can’t talk to you. They don’t try to give you advice, they don’t try to solve anything, they are just there. They sit with you, and let you say and feel whatever you need to say and feel, no judgement.
She told us in that class that to be good grief therapists we need to be more like dogs. So when you have a loved one that is grieving, be a dog. Sit with them, be immensely present. No need to fix it because you literally can’t. Just listen.
Take Care of the Practical Needs
When someone you love dies, an overwhelming fog falls on your life. Your mind just doesn’t work like it worked yesterday. All of your executive functioning skills go out the window. That’s your ability to plan, prepare, organize, and generally run your life and responsibilities. So if the bereaved person you love is receptive, stepping in to help out with the practical needs can relieve a lot of stress.
One of my favorite grief traditions in the US is the meal train. A lot of the time this is organized by a religious community or a group of close friends. The community around the bereaved person takes on the responsibility of feeding the family, dropping off frozen casseroles or meal delivery gift cards so that the family doesn’t have to think about where they are getting their next meal from. I love it for a few reasons, one is that I was raised by a mom who taught me how food is an expression of love. Food is culture and love and a beautiful way to tell someone “I love you, and you are worth the time and labor that I put into this.” Another reason is that this gives the bereaved a break from having to figure something out. Grocery shopping, spending an hour preparing a meal, or even just the financial burden of feeding yourself or your family, the community steps in to solve that for you.
This one depends a lot on how close you are to the bereaved, but there are so many other practical things you can take off of someone’s plate so that if they have a day when they can’t do anything but lay in bed, that’s ok. Taking the kids out to the park so they can have some alone time, helping with school pick-up and drop off, taking the dogs for a walk, helping with chores or cleaning around the house. All of these things take mental energy, planning, and a certain level of focus and patience that sometimes isn’t available when someone is grieving.
Invite Conversation
One of the things I hear often is that people are afraid to talk to the bereaved person about their loved one who died because they don’t want to make them sad. And sure, some people want to just get through their work day and not have a big grief moment. But in general, if the time and setting is right, asking about their loved one is usually very welcome. Asking to share pictures, stories, memories, or just a simple “what were they like” gives the bereaved person a space to share the love that they still have for that person. When we are grieving, we are thinking about our loved one all the time anyway, so sharing about them is a gift; we don’t have to keep it inside anymore.
And keep asking about them. The grief is with us forever, we will miss them forever. No matter how many months or years have passed, you can continue to show up for your grieving friend by being the person who they can talk about their loved one with. You can be the person who is always down to hear a story, and doesn’t get freaked out when they cry while telling the story. Be the safe space for whatever feelings they have, let them know that their feelings aren’t scary or overwhelming to you. Remind them that you also remember their loved one, or that you thought of them when you heard their favorite band on the radio.
If you get anything from this, it is that your friend just needs you to be there, and to not be afraid of their big feelings. If you can be the safe and steady person who loves them through every part of the grief, you can help them feel less alone in all of this. Compassion is the greatest gift you can give to your grieving friend.