Everyone expects their child to change and grow as they enter high school. New friends, exploring their identity, trying to figure out what and who they want to be. Your kid is going to change. It’s exciting and kind of terrifying and all part of the package.
But what happens when you get that parent spidey-sense that something just isn’t right? Your teen is starting to act differently. Maybe you notice they are more withdrawn, emotional, or anxious than seems normal for a teen. Or you notice a big change in their personality that doesn’t feel like normal development. Maybe you notice that they struggle to make friends or fit in. The things they normally enjoy aren’t seeming to make them happy anymore. Whatever is going on, you know something’s up.
Or maybe you know exactly what is going on. You know that they experienced something traumatic, had a major loss, or experienced bullying. If you are fortunate, you are one of the parents whose child was able to come to them and say “I need help,” but now you are scrambling trying to find someone who you can trust with your child’s mental health.
It might be time for your adolescent to see a professional. Therapists who specialize in working with adolescents understand the unique developmental needs of teenagers, and how to balance autonomy and the teen’s desires within the context of safety and prioritizing family relationships. Finding a therapist who you trust to take care of your teenager is an incredibly important decision. You want someone who is qualified, experienced with adolescent mental health, and someone who your teenager is going to actually open up to. So how do I find that person?
A therapist your teenager actually wants to talk to
Adolescence is about relationships, relationships, and relationships. Friends, dating, family, every kind of relationship is the center of your teenager’s life. They start to prioritize their peers over their family, wanting to feel like they belong in the world outside of their home. They test the boundaries with their family, trying to find that sweet spot between autonomy and being able to safely rely on their family. And of course, romantic relationships are highly pressurized and a top priority for most teens.
It’s actually part of the developmental tasks of adolescence. When we are teens, we have to figure out who we are (our identities), and how we fit into the world (belonging). So what does that mean for a therapist who works with teens? We prioritize the therapeutic relationship.
The therapeutic relationship is always important, and some research even suggests that no matter your age, it is the most important part of therapy. But especially with teens, that therapeutic relationship is going to be the primary focus for quite a while. We need to make sure that your teen feels ownership over therapy, and looks forward to it. That way they look forward to coming back, and they can understand that we are all on the same team; trying to help them not feel alone in their pain anymore.
Therapists for teenagers are going to make sure that your teen feels heard, respected, and trusted in the therapeutic process. We know the amount of pressure that the teen feels when they are told by their parents that they are going to go sit in a room with a stranger and they have to talk about their feelings for an hour. An adolescent mental health specialist is going to know how to handle that, and help your teenager feel relaxed and engaged in the process, not like they are talking to a weirdo who their mom found on the internet.
Teen mental health specialist vs generalist
There are a lot of excellent adolescent mental health specialists in our community. There are also a lot of therapists who know themselves enough to know they don’t enjoy working with teens. And it really does make a difference to send your teenager to a therapist who enjoys and specializes in working with teens, not just someone who is “willing to” see a teen. You know, your teenager is constantly scanning and picking up on the cues of the adults around them. So why would you send them to a therapist who isn’t confident and excited to see them?
Working with someone who has experience working with teen mental health means that you are working with someone who is used to all of the nuance of adolescence. Teenagers want to be independent, but they still need caregivers to support them. They want control and autonomy, but they don’t have all the skills yet to be an adult. They want total privacy, but when there is a safety concern you need to trust that their therapist is going to tell you. A teen mental health specialist is going to understand how to have those difficult conversations, and walk that line respectfully with you and your teenager.
You don’t need someone who isn’t sure what to do to help your teen. You need a therapist who you can trust fully, and who your teen can also trust fully. Being able to relax into the process and collaborate as a team is the best way to help your child overcome the thing that is blocking them from being able to fully live their life.
How do I know if my teen is safe?
Confidentiality is always one of the biggest concerns when working with adolescents and their parents. And I get it. You are trusting me to talk to your kid for an hour every week about some of the most important things happening in their life. And your teen probably doesn’t want their parent to hear about most of it. So how do we walk that line and make sure that everyone is on the same page, your child is safe, and your teenager gets the privacy they deserve?
First, we all get on the same page. In the very first session, I will sit down with you and your teen and we will talk about confidentiality. That way we all know exactly what to expect. We all know that your teen gets total therapeutic confidentiality and everything they say to me is private with three very important exceptions: danger to self, danger to others, and suspicions of abuse or neglect towards a minor.
If I ever have any reason to believe that your child is in danger, you will immediately know. That means that if they are harming themselves, we are going to have a conversation as a team to discuss next steps and how to keep them safe. If I learn that someone else is harming them or another minor, I will immediately be alerting you and the appropriate authorities. This kind of stuff just isn’t worth messing around with.
But what if they don’t want their parents to know? Might your teen get mad at me? Sure, I’ve been in this seat long enough to have experienced that rupture. And I’ve also been in this seat long enough to know how to handle the repair and help reestablish safety in the therapeutic relationship. The most important thing is that everyone is safe, it’s ok if your teenager gets mad at me for a bit.
If you feel like your teenager is ready for therapy but aren’t sure what therapist is the right fit, reach out and let's chat! I’m always happy to answer your questions and help your family find the right fit. It’s your kid, you don’t just want to send them to anyone. You can also learn more about my approach to therapy with teens here.