What is traumatic grief?
Grief is one of the most painful feelings that we as humans can experience. The longing, despair, and isolation are crushing and can feel unbearable. This is especially true when the death occurs suddenly, unexpectedly, or under violent or horrifying circumstances. This is what we call traumatic grief (or traumatic bereavement), and it can overwhelm your nervous system to the point where you cannot process the grief. You feel lost, stuck, and the things that are supposed to help aren’t helping. What now?
People who are traumatically bereaved experience an overlap of grief and trauma symptoms that complicate the grieving process. This might look like an ongoing sense of shock, terror, or physical exhaustion. It might also look like feeling frozen or stuck, not feeling like yourself anymore, or not knowing what the point of life is.
When something this terrible happens, it is normal to start questioning what we believe about the world around us. You might find yourself questioning your spiritual beliefs, your purpose in life, what is important to you, or who is important to you. Of course these questions come up, your world has been completely turned upside down. A loss of this magnitude really calls into question what is important to us.
And during all of this your brain isn’t working, people are saying stupid things, now you have to figure out how to pretend to not be sad because everyone expects you to be ok, you still have a job and other people you love and have to take care of (don’t even get me started on how 2 weeks off from work isn’t nearly enough), bills keep coming, and the world keeps spinning.
Feeling overwhelmed is an understatement. Of course your nervous system isn’t functioning.
All grief is painful and all grief deserves to be held and cared for. However, traumatic grief often benefits from specialized care from someone who really understands that incredibly painful blend of grief and trauma.
So how do you treat traumatic grief?
Feeling your feelings
I know, I know, I know. You logically understand that it is healthy for you to feel your feelings, but this is too much. These feelings are so big that they feel like they are going to crush you. When you let yourself go there, you end up a wreck for the rest of the day. And that can’t happen because you still need to eat and shower and whatever else needs to get done.
So we need to teach your body that these feelings won’t crush you. Grief begs to be witnessed. And grieving in front of someone who holds that vulnerability with compassion can be so freeing. You are allowed to fall apart here. You don’t have to be strong and hold it together and prioritize someone else’s feelings. This can help your nervous system learn that it actually isn’t too much, that this pain has a place and deserves to be seen.
You also have permission to feel all of the feelings. Not just the ones that our society thinks you are supposed to feel after something like this happens. Maybe you need to laugh, feel relief, get really angry, or just kind of be indifferent sometimes. There isn’t a right way to grieve. Your experience is as unique as the relationship you had with your loved one. So every feeling is valid and every feeling is invited.
Ask the big questions
Traumatic death calls into question our beliefs about the world. You might find yourself questioning what you believe about religion, purpose, meaning, or your role in the world around you. So now we have to ask ourselves to re-examine what we believe, and give ourselves permission to explore the questions.
If you feel like your grief is causing you to have an existential crisis, you’re probably right on track.
In therapy we get to dig into the questions that lurk in the deepest parts of your soul. We get to consider what it means if you have different beliefs about yourself and the world now. After all, this was never supposed to happen. It doesn’t line up with what we believed about the world, so it really is a fair question to ask.
Find Connection
The love you have isn’t gone. The memories aren’t gone. There is even some research that tells us that your brain is permanently altered by the love you had. You are forever changed by them, and that’s so fucking cool. But now that they aren’t here anymore, those emotions have nowhere to go. That’s where a lot of the pain comes from, not being able to love them the way that you used to. So we find a way to connect to that love and do something with it.
Grief researchers talk about finding “enduring connection” with those we have lost. It makes sense on paper; you find a way to feel them with you and continue to access and welcome the love and humor and joy and whatever else it is that they brought to your life. In practice, we can be creative with what that looks like. Maybe you have rituals that help you remember and spend time with them. Maybe we lean into your religious or spiritual beliefs about whether or not the dead can hear and communicate with us. Maybe you make a point to look at their picture and say their name every chance you get. You get to decide what that looks like.
There is another side, this isn’t forever.
I’m not going to tell you everything will be ok, because your world will never be ok again. But we can help you move forward with your loved one close to you. We can help you dig through the darkest parts of your story to help you find new meaning in the world. And most of all, we can help you feel like you get to be back in your life again. You don’t have to be overwhelmed by this forever.
If you feel ready to start your journey towards healing, reach out for a free consultation today. Therapy with a grief specialist can help you untangle everything that is happening in your mind so you can start to make sense of it and feel like yourself again. You deserve a compassionate therapist who really understands you.