Therapy for Teens that Meets Them Where They Are
Trauma is the ultimate loss of control. The loss of safety, the loss of autonomy, the loss of someone you love. All of it is a loss of control, and it is earth-shattering no matter what age you are. But when trauma and loss happen to a teen, it can disrupt their normal development and create withdrawal, self-harming behaviors, academic challenges, or identity confusion. Just as they are starting to figure out who they are and what their role is in the world, a huge bomb goes off that changes everything. Grieving and traumatized teenagers can often benefit from a therapist who knows how to tailor therapy to their developmental needs.
What is important to a teen’s mental health?
Identity
One of the primary tasks of adolescence is to figure out “who am I?” That’s why we see teenagers dyeing their hair, trying out new instruments or sports, having multiple different social groups, questioning their gender and sexuality, and generally testing the boundaries of who they are and what they can do. All of this is good and normal and healthy. If we don’t figure out who we are as teenagers, then we continue asking those questions into adulthood.
When a teenager experiences trauma or a significant loss, this can disrupt their normal course of identity development. We know that as adults these things can mess us up, now imagine you don’t even know who you are yet and now you have something happen that is so far outside your understanding of the world. Teenagers might start asking why bad things happen, if they deserve bad things, or if they will ever experience safety. These aren’t the kind of questions we want them tackling right now, but here they are. These teens need a therapist who can help them sort through the existential questions about the world, while also reminding them to consider all the other normal teenager stuff.
Autonomy
We all remember that feeling of being a teenager and craving independence. We all start to feel like we are ready for the adult world before we actually are. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Teens should start to test out that autonomy so that when they make mistakes (because we all do) they still have a safe and loving home to return to where they can lick their wounds, talk it through, and go out and try again. We want teenagers to try out new experiences and learn to be independent at a safe and healthy rate. Even if it’s kind of terrifying for their parents to watch.
But when something bad happens, some teenagers swing the pendulum way too far and either stop developing autonomy (because the world is now terrifying) or start taking even bigger risks (because screw it, right?). Teenagers who stop exploring the world need a place to process those fears and the trauma so they can gain confidence back and start testing out autonomy again. Teenagers who swing in the other direction need someone who can remind them that safety and stability aren’t bad, and they are worthy of being protected and cared for.
Relationships
Our teen years are when relationships are the most important to us. Peer relationships are the most influential and critical parts of our teenage years in many ways. We want to feel like we belong, feel loved, and have people who we can confide in. Teenagers start to lean on their peers more often than they do their family. They start to imagine what life will be like after they move out and become adults. All at the same time, they rely on their caregivers to be steady and reliable. They need that safe base to come back to when all their teenage experimenting doesn’t work out. They still need some guidance and support, even if they don’t want to admit it.
Attachment can be significantly impacted by loss and trauma. For a teen with healthy attachment, they will go out into the world to try out new things, then come back to their caregiver to get a gut check, emotional support, or problem solve. They spend time with friends and have crushes and learn about relationships. They lean into their social life, then come back home where they feel loved and supported. This cycle repeats as they try out different identities and new ways of finding autonomy. Sometimes that attachment gets interrupted after a traumatic event, and teenagers can start to pull away, isolate, and become secretive. They could also go the other direction, and become incredibly attached to their caregiver or other safe person, and feel panic and fear when separated. All of this can be addressed with a therapist who can partner with the caregivers and the teen to heal that relationship and re-establish safety and trust. A therapist can also help them learn healthy ways to build peer relationships, or be a sounding board for what is “normal.”
Therapy that your teenager actually wants to attend
My approach to therapy with teens honors who they are, what they want, and all the messy questions that come with being an adolescent. I trust that their feelings are genuine; that the heartbreak is real, the world really can be that scary, and their hopes for the future matter. I treat all my clients the way they deserve; with respect, compassion, and safety. My hope is that your child feels heard and valued for who they are. By balancing their developmental needs with their desires to be as adult as possible, therapy can help them overcome the barriers that they are facing in their mental health.
Keeping in mind the communication style of teens, I integrate different modalities to keep them interested. Have a teenager who wants to talk? Great! Have a teenager who hates to talk? Also great! I follow their lead and can shift and adapt from talk heavy sessions to expressive arts therapies and everything in between. Your teenager will feel like they have control over their therapeutic experience. And after a big loss of control, that is one of the most important pieces here.
I also partner with parents and caregivers as much as I can. By balancing the therapeutic confidentiality between your child and I, and integrating you however we can, we can find a way to help them process and work through whatever they are facing. I see myself as part of your team, not an opposing force.